Last night I walked out

Last night I walked out of the house.

Not like when I was younger, when I’d be gone for days. This time I just walked until my feet took me back.

When I was younger, sometimes the neighbours took me back. Sometimes because they recognised me, other times because I wasn’t wearing shoes and they were just kind people.

However, when you’re a fully grown adult and you walk out last minute, sometimes you end up looking like a movie serial killer (no joke – wellies and all). No one takes a serial killer home.

I could possibly categorise what happened under a few different things; if a therapist asked me (which they wouldn’t, because I’m still awaiting a new therapist. Yawn).

• Antagonism (Specifically hostility) – although I saw this one coming and avoided it quite nicely by leaving the room in the first place.
• Impairments in interpersonal functioning – Compromised ability to recognise the feelings and needs of others associated with interpersonal hypersensitivity (i.e. prone to feel slighted or insulted);
• Emotional liability – Unstable emotional experiences and frequent mood changes; emotions that are easily aroused, intense and/or out of proportion to events and circumstances.
• (Check out this post for more info on BPD symptoms).

Antagonism

I think antagonism/hostility are the only symptoms I can see coming really clearly. Possibly because my ears start ringing and my vision goes fuzzy and I just know I’m about to throw something (usually something breakable and/or expensive that I always miss afterwards).

When I start hearing ringing, as I did last night, I leave the room. Occasionally I can’t leave and I say something … a bit too harsh. Let’s leave that there for now.

Impairments in interpersonal functioning

So yesterday I wasn’t able – in the moment – to recognise that the subject of the conversation was that my boyfriend was hurting. He was feeling upset. Something upsetting had happened to him, and he needed me. I wasn’t the subject of the conversation. – Compromised ability to recognise the feeling and needs of others.

A slight comment was made related to me that anyone else wouldn’t have made a deal of and the world collapsed. – Hypersensitivity  

Emotional liability

After I left the room I lay on the bed in the bedroom but was so overwhelmed I couldn’t handle my emotions and had to leave the building, it felt like I couldn’t breathe.

So off I went, in a big men’s jumper and men’s tracksuit bottoms and my black wellies, with my hood up and my scarf on. Headphones in. Charging down the road.

It was only after I calmed down (and tried to take a picture of the stars – how do people do that? Mine just came out black) that I realised my reaction was out of proportion. – Emotions that are easily aroused, intense or out of proportion.

Anyway, that was a relatively short, rather tame flare-up compared to most (luckily)!

And, here’s the song that got me through my (very cold) walk. On repeat, no less: