Flashback to: Diagnosis day…

Everyone is individual; so is the reason that brings a person to the psychiatrist’s office.

Some people are not there by choice. I, however, was very much there by choice.

What brought me there?

My reason … December 2017… which I only partly remember.

My best friend came to visit with her partner. I’ve known her forever and I can only ever recall arguing with her once before.

We hardly ever see each other. She had stuck by me through years of self harming, taken me to hospital for stitches, picked me up from the psych ward, you get the picture.

That night I was so excited to see her.

  • I remember her arriving
  • I remember taking weird filter selfies with her
  • I remember eating pizza
  • I remember standing outside with her while she smoked
  • There’s a blur somewhere of me standing at the top of the staircase and lots of shouting
  • I woke up the next day.

(Don’t panic, I didn’t kill her.)

My boyfriend looked very scared and upset when he entered the room the next morning. Apparently I attacked her.

I remember nothing.

Now, we’re not talking American History X here, and we are ok now (thank God). But nonetheless, I’d obviously hit some kind of crisis point. I booked a GP appointment for a psych referral.

What was it like..?

I actually needed two appointments because just my childhood / adolescence took up more than the time allocated for the initial appointment!

When the psychiatrist came to his decision – Borderline Personality Disorder – and described it to me, I felt like he was describing the inside of my brain. He felt I had probably gone undiagnosed for many years.

Yes, I cried.

And now?

Since then I had to return as a blubbering mess and was also diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

I am awaiting a new therapist, so at the moment I am only on medication…

Unfortunately, there’s not enough support for mental health – services are strained. But I’m hopeful I’ll get something soon.