How estrangement feels

When you’re estranged, special events can be a complete cobweb of emotions.

An even bigger cobweb than just having BPD on a day-to-day basis (if you can believe)!

I have been estranged from several members of my family including a parent for a while now.  Here’s a brief insight into my childhood for a snippet of an idea why.

When I am aware that a big holiday or special event is coming up, even if it is still quite far away, I notice certain physical and emotional changes. If I don’t notice I’m doing them, my partner certainly does!

Emotional responses

I definitely become more aggravated. As a general rule of thumb, I can become very aggravated very easily anyway. However, if there is an upcoming special event (for example, my birthday) I am super tetchy.

I get very defensive and feel like everything is an attack.

I also start to become more jealous and paranoid. Really, these should be seperate points because I’m not just paranoid that my other half is going to run off with the first attractive person he meets on the underground (although I am thinking that). I’m genuinely paranoid about everything.

Like when I woke my partner up in the middle of the night because I swore blind a cat had climbed in through the window and was building a nest in the wardrobe. Or yesterday when I lay awake all night on the off chance the hamster was able to escape – I had to be there to catch her. (She didn’t escape. And I am so tired.)

Physical manifestations

I’m super jumpy. Every noise makes me jump as though it were a gunshot. At these times of the year I cannot go to the cinema because I even jump all the way through a comedy. Yesterday, I jumped (what felt like) 3 feet because someone coughed.

I’m constantly on edge, as though I am looking around the corner for … who knows? Maybe a member of the family somehow finds out where I live? Or they decide to take a trip to my local high street!

I chew my lips ragged. I can taste blood as I type this (sorry, overshare, but you get the point). I have an amazing lip balm for it actually, which is kinda expensive but works. Not going to link it cause I’m not a walking (typing?) advert but if anyone wants to know hit me up in the comments lol.

Something that I feel kind of slots into both categories, is the fact that it drags up all of your bad memories and you re-live them at random points. Like, I’ll be folding the towels in the bathroom and suddenly I get a flashback and that starts a train of thought that would have previously started a panic attack.

Luckily, I am on Citalopram and I haven’t had any panic attacks for a few months now.

Although meds can help the physical symptoms, (e.g. panic attacks, crying all the time, generally pondering what it would be like to fall off the balcony), they don’t stop the thoughts. Fingers crossed my therapy comes through soon.