Having BPD can make arguments so much worse.
I write this sitting in the bath (empty bath, fully dressed) crying. As you do.
At times like this I wish I was a person who could put points across sensibly and react rationally to emotional situations. Or just situations – to be honest, half the time I’m the only one that’s so emotional.
Riding the BPD rollercoaster
This morning I was in such a great mood. When I went out I practically skipped down the road. I was still practically skipping on the way home.
When my partner mentioned something that I just had to comment on (cringe) it all changed.
I was irritated for a period, then I was upset.
He was sitting across the room when I suddenly had the urge to ‘make everything ok’. I’m always the one in an argument that suddenly wants to panic-fix everything.
This tends to mean that I don’t leave enough time for everyone else to calm down…
So off I went to sit next to him and try to ‘fix it’, but (obviously) he hadn’t calmed down in the three minutes I’d given him.
BPD / Borderline rage
Unfortunately, BPD rage is a thing.
As he was increasingly frustrated by my horrific attempts to fix everything, I started to feel hot.
This is one of my first signs of BPD rage.
As this progressed it felt like something was crushing my chest and I was trying to swallow it.
Eventually (and this is why the site is named as it is), it was like someone had flipped an internal switch.
Please welcome, Splitting 👏👏
Everything I was swallowing exploded and it was like I took a back seat and watched it happen.
Like in horror movies, when the demon switches places with the person and they’re stuck behind a mirror, watching, not able to do anything but bang on the glass.
I swore and I gestured and everything was in really jerky movements. Oh and I have this sudden urge to lower my voice aggressively, rather than shouting. Think Hannibal.
Now as my partner was already aggy, this obviously resulted in retaliation and it was all very unpleasant.
Up to the point where I said: “What’s your problem?” And he said “You.”
The doorbell rang and we stopped.
I returned to my body and realised everything was a horrible mess.
All of the things he said, I am not programmed deal with. So, I sat rocking for a bit wondering what the hell to do. At this point, I could feel my body wanted to run away and was tensing up.
In the end, I’ve somehow ended up sitting in the bathtub crying.
Where to go from here…?
Well I’m not coming out of the bath any time soon.
I’m not even aware of how much damage there is to repair (relationship wise, not physically – I didn’t throw anything today).
I know that if I was having therapy I would be better equipped for things like this, but after months of waiting I’ve still got nothing in place.
So, it seems I’m spending the foreseeable in the bathtub.
BPD and arguments – useful info:
– Signs of BPD rage, described by people with BPD.