Exacerbations of Borderline Personality Disorder

Many things cause exacerbations of Borderline Personality Disorder.

The biggest problem is, sometimes you don’t realise it’s happening. Until, for example, your other half turns to you and says ‘You’re getting so much worse’.

Another one of my problems, is that when someone else says something about me I always jump on the defensive. So when the other half did say I was getting worse, I instantly said: “No I’m not”.

Risky and impulsive behaviour

Although I hate being pulled up on stuff like this, it genuinely is for my own safety.

And, occasionally, the safety of others.

When I am my rational self (..ish), I can generally see what is a good idea and what is a seriously bad idea. Best example comes from a recent experience…

Usually I am very, very anti drinking and driving. For very obvious reasons. However, I am experiencing an exacerbation of symptoms right now, which leads me to act impulsively (and, apparently, dangerously).

Now I’m not just any kind of impulsive, I’m sneaky impulsive. So, the other night, I waited until my boyfriend was in the bathroom… then I rushed to get changed, picked up the car keys and drove down to the shop. Drunk. To buy more alcohol.

When my boyfriend realised, he went insane. Quite rightly. I mean, at best I could’ve been arrested… and at worst… well it doesn’t bear thinking about to be honest.

Then this morning he gets an email to say I’d tried to spend £46 in Deliveroo to get a delivery from the corner shop. The payment didn’t go through. I’d also forgotten the Deliveroo account is linked to his email address. He pointed out that among many things, they were charging £4.99 just for a 1.5L bottle of diet Coke, and I’d been like… SURE!

Why does this happen?

As I said before, there are many things that can trigger exacerbations of borderline personality disorder.

Sometimes, it can be time of the year and impending calendar events that remind me of my family or even seeing items that remind me of my childhood. This includes (but is by no means limited to) Christmas, birthdays, Mother’s Day, old photos or old toys.

Latest would probably be a combination of my dad’s upcoming birthday (and having to arrange to see him when my brother isn’t there), stress related to university deadlines, serious money problems – hence the bouncing Deliveroo payment.

So, I spoke with my therapist on the phone, explained my situation … and she laughed at me – told me to “Keep things in perspective”.

I was not impressed.

Now having to take this on myself, I will have to make some sort of action plan for triggers I know will happen (e.g. Christmas) and surprise triggers (e.g. seeing an old photo or plans being changed). I will need to take into consideration all of the warning signs, which will mean not being so defensive towards my other half!