Depersonalisation and hallucinations are difficult and scary.
I have spent the past week-ish in very odd states. Depersonalisation may not be the correct term but it is the one I am using today – I may or may not be corrected when I visit the doctor this Thursday. (Update 27/6/19 – depersonalisation was confirmed by doctor).
Yes, Thursday. I have been seeing and hearing things that do not exist (or do they…) and I cannot see anyone until Thursday.
Anyway, everyone’s experiences of these things are different. I feel these symptoms are complex concepts, so today I would like to explore my experiences of depersonalisation and hallucinations.
Basically, what I have been experiencing is like… I can’t feel anything. I feel nothing. I am completely numb.
And my head feels like it is filled with cotton wool. Or lead. No that isn’t right.
A better description would be… imagine you’re at a swimming pool. You jump into the water, and instead of coming up to the surface, you hold yourself under. Just sitting under the water.
Really think about being under the water. The way it sounds – you can hear laughing and voices but it’s all muffled. Someone jumps in next to you and you go to swim out of the way … but you can’t move as fast away from them as you could do on land. The water resists your body; you feel heavier, you have to push your limbs harder to move and everyone around you moves slower too.
That is how I have been feeling.
As if that wasn’t enough, I have been seeing and hearing things too.
Mechanical sounds like beeping, which drove not only me but also my partner insane because I kept telling him to stop pressing things. In the end he had to check everything to prove to me there was nothing beeping.
Even at 2am. Bless him.
Those noises were just irritating though. Whereas the whispering and more animal or human noises were just creepy. Like hearing something but not being able to quite make out what it said. Or being alone and hearing scratching against the table.
I may or may not have shouted a swear word at the table.
Then there’s looking straight at your arm and noticing you have an extra hand. But when it leaves you at least I know that’s surely not real. Like come on.
The scariest ones are the images that linger, the shapes in the dark, the things in the corner of the room or just behind the door. Or when you feel the hand on your shoulder and the breath in your ear … it sure as hell felt real and it definitely stays with you…
Get help NOW – Rethink Mental Illness
Hallucinations – NHS
Depersonalisation – SANE
Elefriends – Supportive online community by Mind